Porbortonsheel Pujo Ashcche! - Mc Donald Durga Dekko

Although I am a “rootless” or ruthless Bengali as has been generously estimated by some very close friends on both sides of the Atlantic, I do get my share of melancholy at the mention of the Durga Pujas. Since this is June and just a few months to go before the Dhak heralds in the festivals, my mind is also on a migrating mode. Casually, peeking at fares to Calcutta during those months, impassively bring up the topic at the dinner discussions and slowly creating a build-up and reminiscising about this wonder of a festival that has been so much a part of me. While doing this I perchance tumbled upon an article in Telegraph published not so long ago and I found it quite interesting and “Poribortornsheel”, which seems to be the key word that is making circles around the Calcutta periphery nowadays. I doused my petty bourgeoisie, anti – Poribortornsheel sentiments in a cup of cheap scotch and decided to join the bandwagon. Enough of “Ek-Chala Thakur”, who gives a damn anyways. I would plunge into the Mc Donald Durga and enjoy a cholesterol free snack of it. Sarbojonin is the essence in the good old city of Charnok nowadays. We now have Delhiites, Biharis, Marwaris, Pathans, Jaats even Pakistanis who have been acclaimed as the sons of Bengal. Well needless to say, this article spiked my interest by the concept of Durga Puja it suggested and the consumerist side of this event. Its awe inspiring how we as “Poribortornsheel” Bangali have designed strategies of this neo Durga Puja concept including stories about Puja committees that have sold all branding rights to an US company and another that has a promotional music video and about Zee Bangla coming up with the ultimate business plan, telecasting live the beautiful people at Maddox Square, the hallowed ground of my Puja memoirs of youth. This inspired my small snippet from a “Poribortornsheel” Puja Committee meeting. Setting: A Puja committee meeting, somewhere in Blue Kolkata. Circa 2012. Asit-da (ardently “Poribortornsheel” and a devout believer of Didi and also the president of this Puja committee): Nontu, so have the people from Sheyal TV Bangla (Fox TV’s Bangla venture) sent in the 1 Crore check for the Pujo sponsorship? Nontu (ardently “Poribortornsheel” and a devout believer of Didi and also the secretary of this Puja committee): Asit-da this year we decided to do things a little bit differently. Do you remember Habla? Asit-da: Of course how can I not remember Habla? A JU engineer, bright, focused, brings me the annual quota of single malt whisky. Stays in the US but still so committed to the cause and our parar pujo. During the Singur andolon, he was a front-line warrior with us, beating up the people who tried to enter the plant. I still remember Habla standing in the setting afternoon sun, throwing stones at the Nano plant and shouting Tata-Bye Bye. He also ran away with that communist footballer’s wife, well that's another story. So what about him? Nontu: Well after the Singur andolon, he joined Tata Consultancy Services as a business analyst and then went to US. There he forged an MBA with help of some Bangladeshi guys or something and has opened a marketing consultancy of his own in Manhattan. Some communist people even raised a rumor that he was selling fake Phd degrees to Africans. They would stoop to anything Chhi!! When he heard that we had given Sheyal TV Bangla exclusive sponsorship last year, he was pretty upset. He is still so much the parar chele, you see Asit-da. Asit-da: Why, has Sheyal TV Bangla said something against Didi’s (dubious) PhD? Do we have to go and break some chairs and computers at the Sheyal TV Bangla office? [Getting up] Nontu: No no not that. He feels that we should sell rights of different parts of the Pujo to different commercial entities. He called it “more bling bling”. He seemed so knowledgeable that we have decided to give the Puja rights to his firm “Jaaliyaati Inc.” and he will sell it out to different companies. He says we can get lots more money that way. This boy was always so smart. Asit-da: (a bit worried): I don’t know….how much more? Nontu: INR 2 Crore Asit-da, he says. Double of last time. Asit-da: The problem with these corporate sponsorships is that they make us do so many compromises. For instance, I have been wanting to do Ma Durga-r face in the image of Didi and the Asur with 3 heads—Ratan Tata, Saurabh Ganguly and Buddhadeb Bhattacharya but every time Sheyal TV has rejected my idea. I am sure even this time… (Looks depressed and forlorn) Nontu: Come on Asit-da. Be rational. I know that we owe a lot to Didi —after all had not Didi made all industries leave Bengal, we wouldn’t have such beautiful open spaces to have our Puja pandals. Think of the brilliant work she is doing for the environment, preserving oxygen, deleting unwanted Maoist people (mostly poor villagers) who are useless to the state. She has even taken up the role of scolding impish college children nowadays. Such a great woman. But come on, even then we cannot just put Didi’s face on Ma Durga! If we do, how will we ever get the “Red Bull” Sarad Somman award which you know has strong CPM connections? Besides we have a big list of choices for traditional Ma Durga’s face—-Deepika Padukone, Priyanka Chopra and Angelina Jolie. Surely we cannot compromise on that? Besides, this will attract the youth and promoters. Remember Didi has always mentioned to focus on the youth and promoters. They are the most gullible, brain dead and glue sniffed class that believes everything on Star Anando. If you insist, we will put Didi’s picture on Kolabou (Ganesha’s wife depicted by a banana-branch covered by a white sari)…. Asit-da: Okay okay….Whatever. So what does Habla recommend we do? Nontu: Well first of all, he has negotiated a sweet deal with the Sheyal TV guys. This year they will pay INR 50 Lacs but for that they only get rights for putting the television cameras in front of our pandal and not exclusive sponsorship like last time. Habla talked to the Sheyal TV people and advised them to be more upfront with its promotion of their program—no more “Sharod dorshon” (Durga Puja telecast) like last time which he felt didn’t quite convey the message. Asit-da: Not convey the message? Nontu: Yes. This time he recommends calling it “Bari theke Jhari” (Sneak from Home). The message is simple—why come all the way in the crowd and heat and jostle with the thousands to catch a glimpse of the boudi in a backless blouse or Rumki-Jhumki in a tight skirt, all the time pretending to be watching the idol, when you can sit at the comforts of your home, open a packet of Lay’s chips and a Pepsi and ogle in peace. Of course every 15 seconds the camera will cut away to an image of Ma Durga so that when thakuma (grandmother) or ma (mother) comes into the room, she will not know what you are doing. Asit-da: Sounds good. What about this year’s music video? Can your Boudi and I dance in it this time? I have lost 4 Kgs since last October. Your boudi has been taking Bollywood dancing lessons at South City. And I have even started dyeing my hair. Nontu (hesitantly): Actually Asit-da why don’t you do it next year? This year Sheyal TV has already conceptualized the promotional music video. There will be Bangla mega-star Dev dancing with a bunch of models from Uzbekistan, all clad in traditional Bangali white-sari-with-red-border(lal paar sari) and string tops to the tune of ” Jibonto Protima Darshan” (seeing live goddesses), which Habla says succinctly conveys our Pujo’s USP. Not sure yet, but Sheyal TV says they can also get Himesh Reshammiya to sing this song. If that doesn’t work out, we always have Aneek Dhar. Our very own son of Bengal, the man whose claim to fame is that he sings “Kajra Re ” and Sachin Dev Burman songs perfectly in a female voice. Asit-da: (A bit out of air) any caaltural event or is it all Bollywood? Maybe some Rabindra Sangeet? Didi always liked Rabindra Sangeet and she always misquotes from them. Ish if Kabir Suman wouldn’t have turned a traitor we could have called him. He was cheap and would have agreed to sing for 1 lac and a little shoulder brushing with the parar boudis, I still have some of his songs in my Laptop in a hidden file. (Sighs) Nontu (defiantly): Na Na. That would be sacrilege. He is a despot. A tormuj (Water Melon). Green outside and red inside. Besides, why do you want Kabir Suman? Can he sing? All bogus songs, Gariahat Mini Bus and what not. Don’t you know Shahrukh Khan is our new brand ambassador? Didi said he is a true Son of this soil. He was born and raised in Bengal. Our cultural aspirations should be around him only. We would get Himesh through Sheyal TV and have him sing all SRK songs across the 5 days. Asit-da: Sounds good. So what about the rest of the sponsorship? Nontu: Habla has another great idea here. Get individual corporate sponsorships for each God. For instance, Lord Ganesh will be sponsored by Dr. Sen’s Weight Loss Clinic, Laxmi Devi will be sponsored by Vyasa Bank, Sharma IIT classes have expressed deep interest in sticking a flier on Saraswati Devi’s head and branding her beena (Stringed instrument) and Lord Kartik will get a deal from Raymonds and Fair and Lovely cream for men. Each of these sponsorships is for approximately INR 10 lacs. For 30 lacs, Ma Durga’s rights have been sold to Kolkata Knight Riders. In exchange, Ma Durga will wear a KKR golden helmet, her trident will be replaced by a stump, the Asur will look like Salman Khan (who as you know is Knight Riders owner Shahrukh Khan’s sworn enemy) and the slogan “Korbo Lorbo Jeetbo Re” will be written in a semi-circular fashion behind Ma’s head. All the idols would wear the KKR jersey especially after our tumultuous win over that communist Dhoni. This victory Asit-da, is memorable event in Banglar history more important than Battle of Plassey. As Didi has rightly said this victory would accelerate the progress and development in the state. KKR is associated with our Bengali soil, the players and managers are all Bengalees and they have won with the blessings from the Bengalee mummies. We are even trying to put SRK’s face on Shiv Thakur. Asit-da: Excellent. So will Mithun-da be the brand ambassador of this year’s Pujo also? Nontu: Slight problem. Mithun-da is associated with the ICL besides he is also a bit Leftist, This year he made a movie called Shukno “Lal” Lonka. This was an absolute Maoist movie. He could have called it Shukno Pepe (Papaya), Begun (Egg Plant) or even Kola (Banana). No he had to call it Lanka (Chilly). If he is there, Kolkata Knight Riders will withdraw their sponsorship. Plus Mithunda might insist that Lord Ganesha’s face be modeled on Mimo’s with the Asur wearing a T-shirt that says “Am I a rejected person?” Now you see we already have 3 top contenders for Asur. Buddhadeb, Saurav and Ratan Tata. How can we give it to Mimo? Asit-da (Nodding in agreement): I still remember thirty years ago, when I was a kid, Sukhen Das wearing a jean jacket covering his paunch would inaugurate the Pujo. Well, in any case, if not Mithun-da then who? Nontu: We might try Rituporna... Asit-Da: No No are you crazy? Not that……ahem…. man! He is always obsessed with bodily fluids, be it urine or other things of a periodic nature. Besides he might even come wearing a saree. How can we have him as part of our traditional Pujo? Nontu: Arrey, I mean Rituporna the actress and not Rituporno. Asit-Da: Ooh! good good. The lady Rituparna and not half lady Rituparna you mean. Oh! I love her. (Quickly Looks around surreptuously). Did you see the sex scene in Charulata 2011. Killer I say. (Looks all excited and beaming) Nontu: Asit-da please get a grip on yourself. You just had an angioplasty 2 months back. You may be a TMC supporter but you have to stop this lechery. As I was saying, in addition, we have the usual sponsorships for food-stalls, the Grihini (housewife) Games every afternoon, basically everything we had last year. We are calling Mir to conduct the games. All the ladies like him. He has promised to do impersonation of Biman, Soniaji, Dhoni, Saurav and all other Maoisits. Asit-da: Nontu any sponsorship for the pandal décor? Nontu: Absolutely, with SRK and KKR with us DLF and Pepsi has promised to build our pandal just like South City Mall. Air Conditioned and everything. Just one condition, which the faces of all the idols and the inside of the pandals should be blue and all committee members should also wear blue. Which is fine as Didi is changing Calcutta to “Blue” we might as well follow her great steps? Asit-Da: Excellent. I really can’t stand the heat and sweat at this age any more. Even your Boudi complains about it. Kanu-da (ardently “Poribortornsheel” and a devout believer of Didi and 60 years old Vice President): Call me an old stick but is this Pujo? This seems to be a gigantic corporate enterprise—where is the personal touch, the feeling of community and togetherness, the simple joys of Pujo? Asit-Da: Kanu-da, you don’t understand things have changed…. Kanu-Da: I know I know. You guys have it so easy now. In our days, we had to fight for every paisa as we went from para (street) to para begging for chanda (subscriptions). I remember writing fake receipts from last year and shouting at people saying “You had paid Rs 500 last year. Why not this year” even when we knew the poor guy moved in a few months ago. And then there were the turf wars with Four Friends Boys Club with pipes and hockey sticks and hours spent standing on the main road, often in the pouring rain, stopping trucks and collecting “Ma Durga” tax. Ahh those days! (Sighs nostalgically). Things were so simple and personal. Intimidating the Chatterjee widow for Rs 100, vandalizing that miser Dr. Sarkar’s car every year—sometimes slashing his tires, sometimes scratching his bonnet with Gold Spot caps, peeing on the door of that crazy ass Pandey, puncturing the rice sacks of old Lalaji. I still remember the look of hurt and anguish on the face of the people when we would arm-twist subscriptions —ah the spirit of the Pujos. Nowadays you guys snap your fingers and so much money comes from these faceless corporate behemoths, who don’t even want you to beg and plead and grovel. Where is the fun? Nontu: Yes those old days sure sound good. But then again Kanu-da, as you know times have changed, we say for the better. Wait, that’s my cellphone….seems to be Habla from Manhattan…Hello….what? We got Himesh? And what? Wow ! Hey Asit-da hear this. We got Rakhi Sawant for Hayward’s 5000 Bhashan naach (“immerson dance”)? No kidding……… (All the thoughts are not entirely mine. All charecters are imaginery bears no resemblance with any person living or dead) .